My Angel Wears Spandx
by Heta-Ninja
Summary: When a freak accident sends Rock Lee’s soul crashing into the afterlife, he's sent back to earth as a guardian angel on what was supposed to be a simple mission. He'll learn chaos isn't exclusive to hell, which is looking better and better all the time!
1. KABOOM

**KABOOM**

That was the last thing that rang through what had been Rock Lee's eardrums before he felt his soul slip freely from his body- discarding it like an unwanted banana peel- as the blast's fiery inferno cooked what _had been_ his skin only moments before. His soul twisted backward into the air and started to fall up at 500 miles per hour. He flew past birds and clouds, though at much too great a speed to notice any of them. He was still in shock from the earlier explosion, and still believed he was merrily being hurled backwards by the blast's force. He was partially right. After all, there was indeed a force hurling him into cloudy oblivion.

But a force can only throw you so far, and the same was true in the after life as well. Even if physics had gone out the window. After all, no living being could travel at 500 miles per hour and come back with every cell still intact. Not that Lee was living now in any way. Which was actually a good thing, because when you're dead, you can't feel pain.

This new attribute came in handy as Konoha's Sexy Green Beast made a very _un_-sexy face plant into the surprisingly solid clouds at the foot of Heaven's Gate, bruising every inch of his soul's ectoplasm.

It still hurt.


	2. Dead As A Doornail

**Author's Greetings**

H.N here, and thank you for reading my Rock Lee fic. "My Angel Wears Spandex." I don't own Naruto! See… Naruto© Not me.

But hey, who reads this opening thing anyways…

_God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh._

_- Voltaire_

Ch.1 – Dead As A Doornail

Lee ached all over. At least he thought he should be. He had been nearly blown up after all. Heck, he had_ seen_ the burning inferno rushing over his head. So why wasn't he crying out in pain? Was he that hurt? Had he been knocked out? Did he just hit his head? Weakly, Lee rolled onto his back and saw a crowd of angles fly by overhead. His saucer eyes widened.

He _had_ hit his head.

And as if angels flying over you wasn't weird enough, Lee had the strangest feeling about him. It was as if he was lighter. Cooler. Naked-er. Talk about awkward. It was like the first time he put his marvelous jumpsuit on. It had felt so light and breezy against his flesh, he almost felt naked wearing it. Like putting on another layer of skin. But now he was feeling slightly different. More like he had _lost_ a layer of skin.

But besides that, Lee didn't feel anything. He couldn't even feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed. He also couldn't feel any air circulate from his nose. But he didn't feel like he needed to either.

So he wasn't breathing. Now what?

"Hey." He suddenly heard. Lee sat up and tried to find the source of the voice, but all he could see were clouds. Lots of clouds.

"Hey!" The voice cried harsher and closer now. Lee jumped up, sensing the closeness. He still didn't see anything. Just more clouds. This worried him, being the prisoner of cotton balls. He tried calling out.

"Hello? Any one there?" Lee cried desperately, but still maintaining the mannerly charm in his voice. He turned around, finding a large secretary desk and two misty dark eyes gazing tiredly back at him through white hair. "Gah!" He cried, jumping back from the desk.

The old man sitting there didn't seem too surprised by this reaction. He got that a lot in his line of business. It was always this way with the new ones.

Finally re-catching the fine strand of sanity he believed he still had in his head, Lee studied the old man carefully. Not that there was much to study. Just some old guy with an incredibly long beard that reached past his waist. That and he was sitting at a desk, sitting on a cloud. Sure it was weird, but Lee had been around a lot of weird things during his past life. He did, after all, have Gai as a mentor.

"H-hello." Lee said, a slight quiver in his voice. "May I ask who you are?"

The old man at the desk sighed. This too, he got a lot. And now, he was going to recite the same speech he gave a thousand times, every day to every soul that was thrown into his outside office. Did anyone even read the bible anymore?

"Hello young soul, and welcome to the Gates of Heaven, the Big Perils, the yatta, yatta, yatta." He started, not the least bit amused with his own voice. "I'm Peter."

Lee's right brow lifted clean off his face. "Who?"

Peter sighed. Some cultures. "St. Peter." He said. "Ya' know. St. Peter. One of the disciples. One of the 12. St. Peter. That's me. My name." He exclaimed, waving his arms around like a mad man. Peter saw the dumbfounded look on the boys face. He wasn't catching on.

He sighed. "I'm here to lead you into Heaven m' boy."

Something clicked inside Lee's head. Or more like a sudden explosion inside his eardrums, as if clouds had been stuffed into his ears and the altitude was finally taking its effect. This was a quite probable theory.

"Ha-ba-da-ba-da…hevaba?" Lee's words plopped out of his mouth in not quite the right order and landed down at his feet worthless.

Peter sighed again. He got a lot of this as well. He had found that the best response was to be totally and utterly straightforward.

"You're dead boy."

Nothing came out of Lee's mouth now, though his jaw was still hanging open like he was going to be spilling his lunch out instead. It was a good thing it had been obliterated along with the rest of his body. That's exactly why he was in this state. He realized he was dead, and it had blown him clean out of his earthy body. Now he was just a deer staring into truck headlights, in the middle of the road, and it had hit dead on, making all the logic that didn't get blown up with the rest of his earthly body into what some red neck joke would call "fast food." He was Dead.

Dead.

Dead. Dead. DEAD.

He fainted.

**. . .**

"Lee?"

Lee didn't want to answer. No. He figured that so long as he lay here hiding behind his lids, he could invent his own little story to explain recent events. He was really in a nice hospital room, Gai-sensei sobbing silently next to his bed and TenTen and Neji – who had probably been dragged there – were standing around calmly, tissue boxes in hand.

"Lee? Leeee?"

Talking angels? Pfft. Hallucinations. Probably thanks to Lady Tsunade. You never knew what kind of stuff Hokage dumped into painkillers while she was half drunk - which was most of the time. In fact, good chances are _she_ doesn't even know.

"Lee..."

Yeah...good old hospital. Good times…good times…

**SMACK!**

With a sudden, lively cry of pain, Lee's upper body sprung up like a spring that had been held back with a rubber band. "Yee-ouch!" He cried. After a few moments of rubbing his head, Lee's eyes opened to see the most spectacular – and crazy – sight he had yet seen.

She was beautiful, dressed in a bright, white kimono with a red under layer and a pure white obi. A gleaming, golden headdress sat neatly in her jet-black hair, while it flowed softly around her milk white face. A spectacular scene in it's self, being that there was no wind in heaven. His eyes were at the break of tearing up in her brilliance.

"Lee." She sang softly again, not at all reflecting the violent behavior she had displayed on his head moments before. He voice was clean and pure, so charming that it made Lee feel like his organs were melting away. That is, if still had any.

But DAMN she was fine!

Huba-Huba!

*** **Wolf whistle *

Bow-chika-wow-wow!!

Hey baby, your place or mine?

Hey, can I have yo numba?

Can I have it? Can I have it?

Can I have yo numba?

**SMACK!**

1000 yen! For across the face!

Lee's head hit the – once again, freakishly hard – cloud under him.

"I can read your thoughts…" The beautiful woman sang purely.

"Ra-really?"

"No, I'm just fucking with you. But you were drooling."

Lee tried to get up again. This time, he had his guard up. "Who…who are you." He managed to ask from behind his spread hand. He shifted in his stance a little, tapping his toe against the cloud floor. Not a smart move.

"Whoa!!" Lee's body dipped down into the marshmallow of a floor, little poofs of water vapor (a.k.a. cloud) settled around him. He wiggled vigorously, trying to free his lower half from its cotton-soft prison. He quickly gave up on trying anything practical (since practical was now out the window) and resorted to just flailing his arms around like a crazy person drowning in white cotton candy. Which he was.

"Help! Help!" He cried. "I'm being eaten by a cotton swab!"

With every hint of graceful movement, the beautiful woman smiled, and reached out for the boy and plucked him from the cloud.

So she wasn't all just looks, he concluded.

"I am sorry for all of the inconvenience Lee-san." She sang, her smile seeming to warm the world. She was as bright as the sun. Lee was so distracted, that he didn't bother to wipe off all of the pieces of cloud stuck on him. "I am sure this has all come to a shock for you."

"Oh…well. That is alright." Lee replied, finally starting to brush himself off.

"I am still sorry for your sudden shock." She bowed. "You see. You fainted after you heard the news of your death. So Saint Peter went ahead and sent you to me…" She stopped and watched the strange boy's face drop.

"Oh. So it wasn't just a dream. I really am…dead." He choked on his last word. So it all really did happen.

She nodded, able to read his thoughts. "I thought that when you saw me, you would understand that you were no longer in the world you once knew Lee-san."

One of Lee's eyebrows cocked. "Urm. Forgive me for asking…but. Who are you exactly?"

She giggled sweetly. "Lee-san. You do not know who I am?"

He shook his head dumbly. That _had_ been why he asked.

"I am Amaterasu."

With a light thunk, Lee dropped to his knees and spread his upper body onto the ground. "Forgive me!" He pleaded, sobbing on the ground. "I did not recognize who you were. I am ashamed, to think that one as brilliant as you could be nothing less than a goddess!"

A light touch pulled Lee up from his pathetic position on the ground. "Please." The goddess of the sun said sweetly, lifting the boy up. "I am but a spirit. The Lord sent me here to walk with you."

"The Lord?"

"Yes. The Lord." She said placing a delicate hand on his back, leading him along. "But we have many things to discuss. I will explain this also. For though we spirits are rulers of the Earth, looking after her and protecting the aspects of life we have sworn to oblige to, the Lord is the greater essence that all faith derives from. Lord is life. He created you, and us too."

Lee was still confused. So confused, in fact, that he didn't even bother to pull out his trusty note pad. That is, if he still had it. But he nodded along anyways, being pulled along by this goddess.

"So, where are you taking me?" The boy suddenly asked. He clamped his mouth shut, realizing the casualty in his voice. He had almost forgotten this was a great and powerful kami.

"Do not worry Lee-san." The giggling Amaterasu sang. "You do not need to worry yourself with such formality." She said, relieving the boy quite a bit. "The place we are going is quite important though, so I wish for you to be on your best behavior Lee-san."

He nodded. "Yes. Of course. So what is this place you speak of?"

The sun goddess let out another glittering chuckle. "Right in front of you Lee-san."

Indeed it was. But Lee didn't believe it.

"Is that some kind of video store?" He cried, his voice crackling with shock.

"WELCOME TO **YOUR**BUSTER!!" A sudden bolt of 6-foot marketing enthusiasm boomed as they stood out side the door. And it was wearing heaven and earth's most revoltingly ugly suit and bow tie. Suspenders included. "COME AND SEE EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH **YOU**!!"

"AHHHH!!" Lee screeched…very manly like…(cough) (cough)…

"Yeah." Amaterasu said, not nearly in the same sing-y tone she was before this other angel's presence. "He scares most souls like that…"

The angel's overwhelming grin diminished only a slight bit. That must be what he called his frown. "Hey now there Amaterasu baby. Don't be like thaaaat…" He said re-curling the tiny blond curl that hung down from his wavy, slicked back hairdo with his finger. His tiny black eyes searched over his new costumers. When he laid his eyes on the new boy, his "sucker" alarm went through the roof.

Immediately, the angel slid over to the oddly dressed soul, and pulled him closer into a warm and friendly, one armed shoulder embrace. The kind that stiffened the hair on the back of your neck, popped your bubble, and just totally freaked you out. "Hey there!...uh…what's your name?" He whispered to the stiffened boy.

"Um…Rock Lee…?"

You know there's something wrong when you question your own name…

"LEE BABY!!" Lee's bangs flew back from the intense volume capacity of this angel. "Boy, do I have a deal for YOU! And ONLY YOU! Why? Do you know WHY?!" He exclaimed, banging the poor boy's body against his harder with every word he said.

Lee made the fatal mistake of actually shaking his head. At least he was already dead…

The toxicating fumes of suit cleaner, B.O, and Lady speed stick made Lee's eyes water and his nose feel like it was bleeding. The overly friendly angel pulled him closer than he now concluded he EVER wanted to be with ANYONE wearing suit cleaner and fruity, woman's deodorant. No mater how good the product smelled alone. A pair of bony knuckles probed the top of his head and…oh god forbid. The guy was giving poor Lee a fucking nuggy!

"Because you're Lee BABY!"

Lee could feel the blood dripping down from the crown of his head.

The angel still wouldn't give, and Lee was now involuntarily shooting pathetic glances in Amaterasu's direction, mouthing the words "help me". Lucky for him, the Japanese Sun Goddess was a merciful one.

"Ehem. Alright now Gle…"

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" The angel cried, almost singing to his own words. "What have I told you?" He finally let go of Lee – who collapsed onto the floor – in order to pull down on his suspenders. Just for the "dashing" effect. "Call me Carlemen Baby."

(Car-le-men´ _Baby_)

Amaterasu just stood there. "Uh…right. Carlemen…" She notice him raise an eyebrow at her.

…

"Baby…"

That face-eating grin was re-placed. "NOW we're talkn' sweets!" Carlemen exclaimed (he does a lot of that), straitened his bowtie and motioned the sweet – though very annoyed – sun goddess into the "YouBuster". Amaterasu gracefully stomped behind the annoying salesman with wings. Not everything in Heaven was perfect.

Lee wobbled up (literally "wobbled", like he was a flap of paper) shortly after Carlemen entered the store. He shook his head violently – to reset his hair – and little sprays of blood flew around him like he was a sprinkler machine. Lee touched the top of his head and felt the tiny pool of blood, and the hole, where Carlemen had so unmercifully attacked him with all the friendship energy he had been able to contain into such a small space as his knuckles. "Why am I bleeding?"

"Because Carlemen gave you a nuggy – which, by the way, I suggest you try everything in your power never to let happen again. For your own sake…" Amaterasu said, waiting for him by the door.

"No." Lee said. "I mean. How can I be bleeding? I thought I was…you know…dead." The word still getting caught in the back of his throat like a big ass frog.

The kami sent him a puzzled look. "This is Heaven Lee-san. Without the few pleasures of earth, this place would not be paradise. Feeling is a gift. Only out side the gates are you no longer whole. There, you are like a ghost. But inside…well," She said turning into the store. "you understand."

"Kind of." He said, almost thrilled that he could at least still feel things here. He looked up, and another look crossed his face. "Um. One more question Amaterasu…"

"Yes Lee-san?"

"…why is my face on the YouBuster?"

Both looked up. Sure enough, a giant, "nice guy" posing Lee head was plastered above the YouBuster lettering. "Oh. That?" Amaterasu laughed, pulling Lee into the store. "Well. As Carlemen said, this is **You**Buster."

Carlemen was giving his "YouBuster" welcoming speech again, and Amaterasu was having to protect poor Lee from the touchy-feely salesman angel. "And over here, is the – as you can say – 'Blockbuster' of the YouBuster." Carlemen announced, giving up a little chuckle for his own joke. Not that it was a very good one.

"Here," He continued, finally being able to pull Lee around his store. "Is were **every** single **second**, of **every** single **moment** of YOUR life is on tape!" He cried, scaring Lee quite a bit. "DVD or BlueRay?" Carlemen suddenly asked, pulling both options from behind his back. His wings fluttered happily like a dog wagging its tail.

"Um…I'm not really sure what either of those are…"

"THAT'S ALRIGHT!" Carlemen exclaimed, forcefully pulling Lee along to another section of the YouBuster. "We have more than just videos of you…although," He whispered, cupping Lee's ear. "nothings better than watching some of those 'special' moments of your life you've spent with someone else. The best 'home videos' you'll ever come across, I YA' KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

This came to an utter shock to poor, innocent minded Lee. "Mr. Carlemen! I am 14! I have never…!"

"Yes, yes, I know Lee Baby. For a Sexy Beast, you never were a hit with the ladies. Not much of a looker, are you?"

Lee shot him a completely insulted look.

…

"It was a joke Baby…lighten up!" Carlemen laughed, nudging him some more. "Besides, according to all those fan fictions, you were defiantly popular with the young men of you world. You can even check if you want to. I've got ALL of them…" He winked and pulled out a thin manga book. "Wanna' buy a doujinshi? It's you and Guuuuy…." He sang, swinging it in front of the puzzled boy's face.

Lee had absolutely no idea what a fan fiction was, but he did know what a doujinshi was. And Gai sensei _was_ in it. He was about to take up on Carlemen's offer, when the god sent Amaterasu pulled him away from it, protecting him from what he did not whish to know.

"Please Carlemen-san…" She started.

"Carlemen Baby."

"Um…yes. Carlemen Baby-san, please don't show him those. He'll run away to Hell."

Carlemen threw the GaiLee doujinshi over his shoulder. "That would be too bad. And let me tell you now kid, Hell is like a prison in more way than one. Soooo…you might want to purchase a complementary 'soap-on-a-rope' before you visit." He pulled out a bar of soap, carved into the shape of Lee's head, and stuck on a rope. "Cause like they say…don't drop the soooooap…!" He sang gaily.

**SMACK!**

Lee was very thankful for the sun goddess's sudden surge of violence.

"Come on Lee; Carlemen. We still have more important things to do." She said, a huskier tone in her voice. A sterner look too. Lee was a bit concerned.

"Like what?"

That was the last thing Lee said before he was plunged into darkness.

_______

When Lee regained his conscious and feeling, the one that he felt most alluring was the itch behind his ear. So he reached up to scratch it. For some reason, it wasn't very effective.

So next he used his foot.

Satisfied, he went back to sleep, cuddling his fluffy tail for comfort. He wiggled his nose before diving into slumber.

. . .

Wait…Lee didn't remember having a tail. Using his foot to scratch himself wasn't something he remembered doing on a regular basis either. He wiggled his nose in confusion before batting his ear with his foot.

Oh well, he was much too comfortable to get up and try to figure things out.

SPLAT

Lee's lids shot open, only to be veiled behind another blanket of darkness. Sleep still resting in his joints, he slowly pulled whatever it was off his face. He looked down to see a pair of tiny, furry paws clutching a leaf. He blinked.

. . .

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!"

Which actually came out as…

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!"

Birds enraged by this sudden burst of volume so early in the morning, swooped down onto their furry neighbor, claws extended. His new, tender squirrel body was pinched and ripped, sending the long lost sensation of pain that Lee had left behind with his former earthy body. But _this_ was not his body.

As if self-defense - along with any of the grace he had acquired during his time as a ninja - was forgotten, the now furry and earthy sent Lee tumbled down the tree, not forgetting to hit every branch he could reach.

And when all seemed lost, and his tender body reached the last straw of it's physical endurance, God actually seemed to like Lee for a moment, and blessed him with a soft bush to break his fall. Lee's furry head popped out from the leaves, bashed and brushed, lucky to be alive.

THUNK!

Frozen on Lee's furry face was the shock of terror that he had expressed in his 2nd last moments on this world, when a sloppily thrown shuriken sunk deep into his soft, rodent skull.

God has a cruel sense of humor...

"Shit man, you just hit that squirrel!"

The pudgy child bit his lip and starred down at the dead squirrel pinned against the tree him and his pals hung out by during the Academy's recess each day. The poor boy's eyes sought an explanation hidden around the area before turning back to his horrified friends with flushed, fat cheeks.

"Heh heh…uh…bull's-eye…?"

_______

Amaterasu was not happy when Lee's soul returned at her feet, dumbfounded, with a very angry squirrel nibbling away at his head. Carlemen bent down to Lee's face (which looked like he had just seen a ghost, or his own reflection for that matter) and searched for any trace of the pupils that had been dilated out of existence. The salesman angel stood straight again and folded his flexed wings against his back.

"I think he's suffered brain damage…"

"His organic brain doesn't exist anymore." Amaterasu sighed. "Besides, dieing a second time will do that to you." She rubbed her temple and recoiled her frustration with another sigh. "_How_ exactly did this happen again? And WHY is there a SQUIRREL on his head?!"

"Ehem…uh…well mam…" Carlemen started. "He DID just kill him. And I think we can both agree that the little fellow might be a little…"

The tiny squirrel pulled out a good-sized acorn from behind his back (come on, it's Heaven) and began to use it as a hammer against his killer's head.

"Peeved…"

The acorn struck violently against Lee's head, sending his pupils back into his sockets. The squirrel froze, dropping his acorn, thinking he had broken Lee's head. Amaterasu and Carlemen jumped back a little.

"…Lee…"

. . .

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!!"

O_O

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!!"

O_O

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!!"

=O.O=

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh…

…ah."

. . .

"Are you quite finished?"

"I think so…" Lee gasped, seeming very disappointed that he was seeing them again, thus sketching off any hope that this could all be a dream.

"Good, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU YA LITTLE SPIRIT PIMPLE!!!" The great and medication lacking goddess screeched, rattling Lee's ectoplasm around like a jellybean filled maraca.

"Please, Amaterasu…you're going to kill him…oh wait…uh...What I meant to say was, you're going to give him further brain damage, and…oh wait, that's right, no organic organs…hmmm…" Carlemen pondered, furthering his journey into the deep pit of stupidity he was digging. In other words…

EPIC FAIL!

"AND THEN I'LL HANG YOU BY YOUR EAR HAIR AND LET SATIN ASS RAPE YOU WITH AN ASORTMENT OF HOUSEHOLD APPLIENCES, STARTING WITH A CUCUMBER!!!" She continued.

"Oh Amaterasu…." Carlemen cooed lovingly like he was speaking to a kitten. A viscous, ear hair dangling, satin ass rape allowing kitten with nuclear mental issues. "I've got your bi-polar meds…"

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CARLEMEN, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BRINGING MY MEDICATION OUT IN FRONT OF DIRT-DWELLER SOULS? I'M GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A DOG THEN STICK A CONE ON YOUR HEAD SO YOU CAN'T LICK YOUR BALLS! AND WHEN I DECIDE TO FINLLY TAKE IT OFF, I'M GONNA DUMP A BOTTLE OF CHILE POWDER ON YOUR HAIRY TESTIES SO THAT THEY BURN THE LIVING DAY-LIGHT OUT OF YOUR CROTCH, AND YOU'LL LICK THEM UNTILL THE HOLY SON HAS RISEN FIFTY-BUZZILION TIMES, AND YOU'RE TOUNGE WILL BURN LIKE A THOUSAND HELLS, WHERE I'LL HANG YOU BY YOUR EAR HAIR AND ALLOW SATIN TO ASS RAPE YOU WITH AN ASSORTMENT OF HOUSEHOLD APPLIENCES, STARTING WITH A CUCUMBER!!!"

"You forgot to take your medication this morning, didn't you?"

"GIVE ME MY FUCKING MEDS BITCH!"

And then the great goddess Amaterasu proceeded to down the bottle of bi-polar medication like a quart of vodka.

"Thank you Carlemen-san." She then chimed in her usually, wispy tone. "Would you now please get me some vodka dear?"

"No way. You're fucked up enough without being hammered too…what would the Lord say?"

"I SAID GO AND GET ME SOME FUCKING VODKA BEFORE I TELL THE OTHER GODS THAT YOU MASTERBATE BEHIND THE FORBIDEN TREE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN TO PHOTOS OF PERSEPHONE!"

"That's bullshit. Besides, you know that I like the Hindu goddesses best…just think…with all those hands…"

"Sometimes I wonder why you're even here instead of in Hell Carlemen. Some angel YOU are, you sick pervert."

"Oh I'M the pervert? With all the incest circulating through you guys, it's no wonder you're all mentally retarded, and you all ended up fucking the mortal world over!"

"Don't you start blaming us for your mortal blunders, remember, you were once a mortal too. And not a very bright one at that! It's no wonder you weren't turned into an arch-angel!"

"Thank fucking GOD! Like I want to spend the rest of eternity as a brainwashed, artard like Raziel!"

"Yeah…he doesn't sport the brightest halo of the bunch…"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?!" Lee screamed, exploding forth enough frustration and anger to muster a cuss word. "You two are going on and on about incest and hand-jobs and I don't even know what!" Lee collapsed onto the clouded ground with a loud sob. "I've died TWICE today, and all I have to look forward to in heaven is the company of the insane and VODKA! I don't even know what vodka IS! I WANT GUY SENSEI~!" He pathetically cried, surrounding himself in a puddle of tears. Carlemen came to comfort the boy.

"There there Lee…"

"Do you not mean Lee-Baby…?"

"Ehh…I only do that for the advertising bit. I used to be a salesman back in the land of claw." He said.

"You lived in the Country of Fire?"

"Yeah. I did a sales rout between the lands of Fang, Claw, Tea, Honey and Buck-Wheat Noodles with Spicy Red Curry Egg on Top."

Lee's eyes lit up. "I did a mission near there. In the small land of General Sou Special Sauce Pork Dumplings with a Side of Fried Rice and Crispy Noodles."

"Uh…yes…but that's all beyond the point…" God. Carlemen had forgot the ridiculous names of the lands his former country housed. Some of the normal ones included Leaf, Vegetation, Flowers, Star, Sweets, Honey, Udon, Tea… From there the names started to get out of hand… "The point here is that we are very sorry for any confusion, and any spinal damage my dear Amaterasu has inflicted upon your being, it is just that we expected a bit different results from you mission."

"MUCH different…" The slowly drug-succumbing goddess grumbled, clenching her perfect teeth into Lockjaw, a common side effect of her pills.

"Yes, you see, our line of work is very stressful, and any mistakes made can lead to serious consequences…"

"Like the death of a innocent, fuzzy little squirrel…God I love squirrels!" The goddess sobbed in the background, yet another side effect of her pills.

"Uhm…If you don't mind. May I ask…what IS your line of work…?" Lee asked simply. In his defense, he had absolutely no idea why he was being punished for waking up in the now Amaterasu sandwiched squirrel's body.

"Oh how I love the fuzzy earth critters…" She gasped in reaction to her bi-polar drugs. If the squirrel hadn't already been dead, he would be now.

Carlemen blinked. "Oh well…we're platoon leaders and recruit commissioners for God's Universal Aura Redeeming Dirt Investigating Angel Network."

Lee's face was as blank as an Academy test turned in by Naruto.

"The G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N. But you can just call us the GARD."

Lee's face was _still_ as blank as Academy test turned in by Naruto.

"Guardian Angels retard."

"OHHHHHHH!" Lee gasped, the little light bulb way up in his skull flickering briefly.

"Yeah, see, there you go. Now do you get it?"

Lee nodded. "No."

"Oh boy, this is going to be a long day…" Carlemen sighed.

"I'll go get the vodka." Amaterasu sung with a drugged glaze hanging over her speech. "Vodka makes everything better."

. . .

"Hey Carlemen, how did you die?" Lee asked the wasted angel of the Lord.

"Why would ya' want to know that ya' little drunk bastard…?" The angel slurred, very wasted like. Amaterasu lay on her back against the puffy clouds that made up the floor, her exposed legs bent and stretched over a milky cirrus bench next to where Carlemen hunched over drunk and clasping the neck of the vodka bottle. She giggled, red faced, as the magical concoction of alcohol and her medication swam through her body, stroking the sleeping squirrel spirit cuddling against her bosom.

"I am not drunk…I have not even been drinking…(you drunk moron…)" Lee responded, whispering under his breath.

"Well then here!" The angel sputtered, shoving the vodka bottle in whatever direction he believed Lee was. "Wet your whiskers you lovable little fucktard…"

"I'm 14, I do not have whiskers…and do not call me a fucktard, fucktard." He mumbled indiscreetly.

"Your butterfly colored brain is the source of the vivacious papaya tree, whoe." And the angel took another swig of vodka.

"You are wasted…"

"I swear to drunk I am not God!"

"False idols! False idols!" Amaterasu screamed, waking her furry friend. "RULE NUMBER…uh…Carlemen, what commandment was it again?"

"Hell if I know. No one actually reads those things…" And he took another swig of vodka. "Monkey pie."

Lee huddled behind the bench, rolling in his newly acquired emoness. "I hate my life."

"Well it's a good thing you're dead then."

Lee started to cry.

"Yeah, I remember when I was alive…man my life sucked too kid. No one gives you ANY respect when you're a salesman. Doors slammed in your face, phones hung up on you, water and electricity dragons sent after your ass – I stopped visiting hidden villages after that. I should have had a cart of merchandise instead of working for an all-consuming company. At least that way, I could have gone out in style, my own man." He said, estimating the amount of alcohol he had left in the bottle by watching it swirl around when he stirred the bottle. "Not a cloned employee who was pre-wired to be annoying."

"You still do that well." Amaterasu said, still utterly under the influence.

"Oh, I DID do it well." He replied back, not the least bit insulted. He was a salesman after all, he had learned to live with himself long ago. "That was until I was killed of course…"

Lee suddenly popped up from behind the bench, his childish charm reestablished. "You were killed? By who?"

The angel's eyes narrowed. "Postman Ninja…"

"Postman Ninja…?"

"Oh boy," The Goddess said, going for a face-palm but missing. "Here we go again…"

"I still can't believe that duce wouldn't stop even after I told him that he had taken my client's package. And after all I had done to get that guy to BUY it…!"

"What _did_ you have to do to get him to buy it?" Lee asked.

Dark rings of evil and sin lined the outlines of Carlemen's dark eyes. "_Terrible_ things boy. Things a man should never have to do…"

"Wear stripes with poka-dots?"

"Wha…? NO! What the hell boy? Are you TOTALLY dim? Who ever thought of that?"

"Kunoichi Teen November issue placed combining stripes and poka-dots under fashion's top 10 no-noes."

"For the love of GOD, why are you reading Kunoichi Teen? You know what, never mind, I don't want to know. I'm going back to my story.

"Anyways, the Mail Ninja, or whatever, wouldn't stop for me, so naturally I went after him. When I finally caught up, I tried to reason with him, but he said he wouldn't even _check _to see if he had made the swap. By then I was starting to get really pissed, so I ran up behind him and snatched my package from him.

"When I turned to run, the dunce shoots me with a dozen knife things! Right in the back!"

"Oh…" Lee said. "That stinks…"

"Oh no, no, no…! That's not even the end of it." Carlemen continued, taking quick sips of the vodka between words. "I had followed him up a mountain road, so when he shot me, I fell over the edge of the road and, get this, didn't die from his attack, rather, I FELL to my death, AND…!"

"And…?"

"And since no one ever knew I even died, my company took the failed delivery off my record and fired me. FIRED ME! What a bunch of bastards…fuck." The angel chocked, cupping his face to sob.

"Oh…" Lee said sadly. "I am very sorry about the circumstances of your death Mr. Carlemen…baby."

"It's not that…" He sobbed. "I ran out of vodka…"

. . .

Reaching "sober" was a long and painful task, mostly for Lee 'cause Amaterasu and Carlemen where as numb of body as they were of brain, both of which of Lee's hurt after the ordeal.

"Hey Lee, are you dead?" Amaterasu asked, her temper still steadying from her recent mix of bipolar medication and vodka.

"That seems like a pretty illogical question, since he _is_ already dead and all. And you stabbed him in the stomach with your tiara." Said Carlemen, who was better received due to that he wasn't a lightweight like Amaterasu. He was lucky he was in heaven, because hangovers don't exist.

The goddess frowned. "It's NOT a tiara."

"I see blood…" Lee groaned from his huddle on the puffy floor.

"You'll be fine." Amaterasu assured.

"I think you punctured my spleen…"

"You don't have a spleen, now stop complaining and get up pussy."

"I feel like I'm going to vomit…"

"No you don't…oh wait, maybe you do…"

Carlemen winced. "That's going to make one nasty rainstorm."

Lee's poor body shivered under the rapture of up chucking for what could have been five whole minutes.

"Are you done hurling yet? Because we have a to get back to work."

"Why can't I just go lay on a puffy cloud and be injected with ice-cream like normal dead people?" Lee whined, starting to lose his interest in doing anything productive or ninja-like anymore due to the events of the day.

The goddess raised a circular eyebrow. "You don't seem like the kind of guy who wants to lay around and stuff his face for all of eternity."

"Well, you know, after being dropped into a squirrel, and hit, and stabbed, and beat, and vomiting, milk and honey sounds pretty good to me."

"Yeah? Well too bad. Suck it up cowboy, there are more important things in life than ice cream through a tube."

"Uh…once again Amaterasu. He's dead…oh never mind." Carlemen started, giving up on trying to correct her.

"You know what. Not one person has even explained to me what I was supposed to do back on Earth." Lee said, still holding his stomach.

"We were going to transmit it through your halo."

"I get a halo?"

"If you mean that ring of light, than no. That's just an artist's rendition of an angel's glow. Only gods and archangels get that." Carlemen said.

"Oh."

"But if you mean a wireless communicate, than yes."

"A what?"

The sales angel tossed the small ear bud device to Lee, who studied it in all possible prospective. Left, right, above, below, he even imagined himself as a squirrel again and studied it further.

"…A what?"

"A head set."

"Oh!" He exclaimed. "Like the ones we used back in Konoha."

The two spirits cracked smiles and almost started vomiting laughter, but maintaining their amusement to mere snickers.

"Kid…its Bluetooth technology." Carlemen said, still puffy with laughter. "You MUST be kidding me…!"

"This isn't blue." He said. "And I am very sure this is not a tooth…"

"What century does your world live in? Jeez…you have a lot to learn."

"I already don't like this…" Lee grumbled.

Amaterasu smiled. "It's not like you to distaste missions. I thought you were a passionate fellow."

"Well sorry if I'm still digesting the whole 'dieing' thing." He said sadly. He almost mentioned that they were crazy. It was true. They had issues. Lots and lots of issues. "That, and absolutely NO ONE has told me what I'm supposed to do anyways!"

"That's not true." The goddess said. "We mentioned the GARD didn't we?"

"Did we? My brain's still processing alcohol." Carlemen questioned, scratching his formally carefully combed yellow hair. That was, before he got drunk.

"I wasn't asking you moron." She grumbled, rolling her dark eyes.

"Are you two A.D.D. by any chance?" Lee asked, a thick eyebrow twitching at their tendency to stroll off track. Carlemen lifted his fingers and made a little space where he could peer back at Lee through. Of course.

Amaterasu rolled her eyes again. "_As_ I was saying…uh…" She went blank for a moment. "What was I saying again? My brain's still processing alcohol..."

Carlemen and Lee face palmed together as stupefied brothers. Even the currently hidden squirrel crawled out of Amaterasu's obi and palmed in unison.

"This sucks…" Rock Lee grumbled.

Carlemen almost smiled. "Kid, you have NO idea…"

_Oh wow. I got 5 reviews, 2 favorites and 3 alerts for that 1__st__ little teaser. Jesus. I should say something like "Thank you readers!" but instead; I'm just going to state the truth…_

_You people have no life._

_But neither do I._

_So lets bask in our geekdom, wear our ninja headbands to school, and practice ninjutsu on the lunchroom table. Amen!_

-えれん


	3. Use Your Nuts!

**Author's Greetings**

Before we continue, I would like to beg these three things of you, my supreme overlords…

Forgive me for my spelling. Yes, I know I suck, and yes, I know, Spelling check sucks. I try, but I usually mix up words.

Forgive me for the ENTIRE LAST CHAPTER! I know that the last thing any of you wanted after waiting for 6 months was drunken nonsense. In fact, as you can see, I have combined the last two chapters together.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Really sorry…

And the third thing? Well, let's just see if you like this chapter…

* * *

_People with no sense of humor are insulted by the image of God playing poker with the Devil. _

_People with a sense of humor see this image and laugh, then stop because they just figured out what it was they were playing for._

_- Anonymous_

Ch. 2- Use Your NUTS!

(That's not what I mean you sick bastards…)

[Upper spectrum of Heaven- 1:32 pm standard heaven time]

The archangel Raziel pulled into the clean white and green office with a stack of papers under his perfectly sculpted arms. He sighed in relief that it was even an office this time, since the room's appearance tended to change from time to time. This always worried the gorgeous angel since he didn't much like surprises. Surprises got you "dirt duty". Inside was a tall and slender woman sporting a dark blue suit and so light, it was almost crème colored hair. She was staring out of a large window that sat behind a large desk, viewing a perfect lawn.

"Who is it?" She asked with a calm, dignified British accent. Though she sounded bored.

"Raziel. I have a message from the GARD…Dirt-Side."

She turned, flashing blue eyes from behind fine-rimed glasses. Her light hair and colorful eyes reflected violently off dark skin, looking like an angel had fucked an Indian, since angels tended to run in the blond-blue eyed variety. "Which platoon."

The archangel flipped a couple of pages. "Uhm…6."

"Amaterasu's platoon?"

"Uhm…yes, that's the one. There seems to be some sort of unregulated activity."

"What do you mean by _unregulated activity_ exactly?"

"It…" He paused, flipping more pages. "it doesn't say…"

"You don't know?" She growled coldly, pushing her lips together, making the white lipstick smeared on them stand out even more against her tan face. "Obviously the problem here isn't the unregulated activity in platoon 6, but rather the fact that it's _unregulated_ because YOU'RE NOT REGULATING IT!!"

"I'm sorry. It's just that with the sudden rise in demonic energy, and we've been spending so much time dealing with the Sins and the **Lilitu**…"

"NO EXCUSES RAZIEL!" She barked, slamming her fists on the desk, shaking the room. Lightning started to sizzle out of the woman's fingertips and cracks crept up the lens of her glasses. Raziel cowered in his chair. "I want you to get your God damn pixy ass over there and find out what the hell is going on in platoon 6!"

"Ya-yes sir… and might I add that your especially lovely today. A big improvement from yesterday when you appeared as a balding plumber…"

"GOD DAMMIT RAZIEL! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE BEFORE I START BURNING YOUR ROSE GARDEN!"

"Right away!" The archangel Raziel said, quickly jumping out of the room before he was turned into another organic abomination like the former archangel Phil who had been turned into the world's first platypus. He ran out the door, trailing his long robe and spotless wings behind him. Archangel Gabriel watched his fellow angel sprint from the room as he entered the office after him. He eyed the blue sparks of energy flicker around the tips of the Indian mix woman's fingers and flying strands of blond hair.

"I see you're not in the best of moods sir…or should I say mam. By the way, great improvement from yesterday."

The woman settled down, and placed herself neatly into the large chair under her. "Sometimes I wonder how some angels turn out to be complete…

"Idiots?"

"I was going to say _dumbfucks_, but you get my picture." She lit a cigar from a small wooden box on the desk, and laid back, pulling her hands over her stomach and tapping the digits together. "Any news Gabriel?"

"Well, I'm sure you've already heard about the issue on platoon 6…"

"Archangel Raziel was just in here telling be about that." She said, taking her glasses off and eyeing them in her hand.

"Yes, I heard." The cracks on the glasses shrunk into non-existence. "I'm afraid I too don't have much information regarding that either, since the GARD isn't really my thing."

"It's alright, I already know everything."

"As always." Gabriel huffed. "I don't even know why you have us give you these daily briefings."

The woman smirked. "I like to keep you all on your toes. Just because I know everything doesn't mean you do. So I like to keep you all as informed as possible. I just don't like doing it myself. Besides, it also keeps me updated on what Hell's been up to. You know how even my omnipresent knowledge can't go that far. So what else is on the list."

Gabriel sighed. "Well let's see… the Sins are starting to act up again. Which is a surprise, since they've been so quiet for the last millennia or so. They've been more incidents I'm afraid…the Lilitu, the regular demons, Beelzebub's throwing a party and your invited… Oh! And I've received a letter from your son."

The woman took the letter and eyed the front. "How is he?"

"I thought you knew everything?"

"He is my son. I like to give him some privacy."

"Well, I haven't really heard from him recently, but rumor has it the investigation's hit a dead-end, so you should be seeing him again real soon." Gabriel said. "Oh, and supposedly he's started growing his hair out again."

"Really? He hasn't had long hair in over two thousand years."

"Well the front's still short at least. Says the long locks get in the way. Sporting what the dirt-dwellers call a mullet."

The woman shuddered. "Ew. Not one of the human's greatest achievements."

"I can only imagine." The messenger angel pressed his lips together for a moment and starred down at his bulging file of papers. "Pardon me, but may I ask what exactly _is_ the problem in platoon 6?"

The woman grinned, folding the already opened letter back into the envelope. "Rule number thirty-three is being defied."

"You mean the one against the manipulation and unwilling entry of souls into regiment?"

"That's the one. Seems our sweet little cheery blossom and her sidekick are starting a little draft of their own."

"How many?"

The woman's grin grew wider, the cigar hanging nearly bitten off between the teeth. "That's what's so interesting. Just one. A little ninja boy from the village Hidden in the Leaves. Nice town, nice kid. A little funny looking, but I'll make a bet that he would have grow into his eyes."

"So what do we do about it?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Why's that?"

"Come now Gabriel. You've known me for some time now, you should know by now how much I love to mess with the humans sometimes. And you never know, maybe we can find out a bit more about all this Sin activity going on down there if we let this one slide."

"You obviously haven't taken into consideration all of the times things like this have nearly screwed the world over. And how would it help the investigation anyways?"

"His death was suspicious, that's all. And you shouldn't God damn patronize me."

"And **you** shouldn't say your name in vain Lord."

* * *

The chubby boy was poking the limp rodent's body with the end of a long stick. Just long enough so that death's cooties wouldn't infect him. He was deeply distraught, knowing that the lifeless squirrel had potentially been cute before it had acquired a crown of crusted, dried blood and a hole in its head. He sniffled, alone with the dead squirrel as his friends whispered and mingled in the background. This was by far the saddest thing he had ever seen since Bambi's mother died and the Panty Fairy was proved imaginary. All of the fresh underpants he could have gotten…

"If I hadn't killed you," He said, a hint of sob in his voice. "I would have named you Dr. Spunkers Goober Shwatsan Special Sauce Surprise… or maybe Pablo."

All of the fond memories that weren't meant to be…

The boy dropped his stick and cuddled his knees, sobbing quietly. "I'm a terrible person…! I killed a living thing!"

So why again was he training to become a NINJA? A head severing NINJA!

I don't know. Maybe it's okay to kill people, but not squirrels. Cute, furry things are out of the question.

The boy was sobbing louder now, and the dead squirrel was shifting more lively now. He thought he faintly heard something metal drop into the grass, but he was too sad to care.

Killing cute things…you just don't go there.

* * *

[In The Lower Spectrum of Heaven, Moments before…]

"Again, I repeat, how in youth's glory am I supposed to use this thing?" Lee cried, trying to fit the ear-bud Bluetooth like device (which was cleverly re-named in the after life as "The Halo") into his ear…backwards.

"Please, Lee, don't use your sensei's sad little puns, they make me want to burn the color green." Amaterasu sighed, rummaging through her flowing kimono for…well, stuff.

"Ah, but sweet goddess," Carlemen cooed. "don't you think they're just…YOUTHFUL?"

Amaterasu backhanded him into cloudy oblivion.

"As I was saying…" She said, rubbing her wrist. Lee stared wide-eyed at where poor Carlemen _used_ to be. "NO more puns."

"R~right. So, how do I put this thing on again?"

Amaterasu studied the way he tried to stick the head of the appliance into his ear socket, and frowned. "No, no, no, that's not how you wear it." She said, snatching the Halo away from him. "Here…" She tilted his head back, and (ZIPPITY DO DA!) shoved her fist straight through the wall of his skull and dropped the device into his brain before pulling out like his head was just a bowel of jelly.

"Wha…how did you DO that?"

"Magic." She said twiddling her fingers like there was something on them. "By the way, you should really clean your ears out more often. Oh look, here comes Carlemen."

Lee turned around and, sure enough, there was tiny little Carlemen's body slowly getting bigger off in the distance, his cries slowly becoming clearer.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH…!!!"

SPLAT

Face plant.

Lee and Amaterasu watched as Carlemen's wings plopped along side his fried body, dug deep into the clouds by his face, his butt sticking up towards the sky. A long trail of devastated vapor crawled across the landscape starting at where he first hit the ground, to where he stopped sliding, at Amaterasu's feet.

"How nice of you to join us." The Goddess said.

Carlemen said something, but it was illegible since his mouth was full of cloud.

"What was that?" She growled. Carlemen spat the cloud out.

"Oh, nothing mam."

"Good to hear it." She turned back to Lee, who was watching Carlemen pick himself up and dust off his trousers. His great wings batted against each other, sending rouge water vapor everywhere like a wet dog. "Alright Lee, we've briefed you on the mission thus far. You've been assigned to… what is it?"

Lee put his hand down. "I'm sorry, but I was wondering about how I'm supposed to use my wings… you know, when I get them and stuff. I don't want to fly into any humans and…" Lee sounded like he really didn't care about the troubles surrounding his wings, but rather just excited about getting them in general. "and, well, I'm sure there are many more things…"

"That's alright, you won't be getting wings anyways."

Lee's face dropped. "I…I don't…?" He almost started crying, which Amaterasu paid no attention to.

"No. You don't get wings. At least not immediately. You have to work for them."

"Yeah." Carlemen chimed in. "You have to unlock these sweet babies…like…uh…hey kid, you play a video games right?"

"Um…not really…"

"Jesus, what kind of kid are you? Any how. Wings are like an item you get only after you play some of the game."

"Oh."

"Yes, in fact, you won't even be an angel for a long while." Amaterasu stated, starting to pull out files from under her kimono. "You'll start out as a spirit, or a ghost if you prefer, though it's not the politically correct term."

"I thought ghosts wandered the earth haunting houses and people?"

"That's only one type of spirit. Those are what we call Deserters." Amaterasu said, flipping through the pages of a manila folder. "They abandon Heaven's calling and roam the world either to complete unfinished business, find loved ones, or because they are scared of the afterlife, among less pleasant things." She licked her finger and continued flipping through the pages slowly, reading each one.

"But yeah kid." Carlemen continued. "There are a lot more spirits roaming around your world than you know. Deserters, Roamers, Sealed, Angels, and a bunch of others. But to be honest, I don't really remember them all. There are a lot that sort of branch off from those main groups."

"So I would be an angel…spirit thing?"

"Sort of. A branch at least, but humans won't be able to see you since you aren't able to cloak yet."

"Cloak?"

"Yeah. Most angels look just like normal people walking on the street. They just cloak themselves. You, on the other hand, will be invisible except to those that are near-death. It's just some sort of thing that happens. Oh, and also, anyone who you 'inhabit' will be able to see you. So don't go slipping into people. Also, stay away from people who knew you when you were…ya know, not dead. Trust me. It just makes the emotional part of the job a lot easier."

"A very good piece of advice and a warning, since your mission takes place in your old home-town." The Goddess handed Lee a smaller folder than her own, complied of sheets taken from the original source. On top was a picture of a young girl.

"Who's this?"

"Mori, Hoshi. Age ten, height and weight are shown on her profile page, which you can find in you mission folder. She's a student at the Ninja Academy in Konoha, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to find her. Any thing else you need to know about her is in the files."

Lee looked down at the young girl's photograph. It looked like any other school picture where the pictured looked tired and gruff. The girl wasn't smiling, and her eyes were slit into a particular tired glare with black irises poking under heavy lids. Her hair was nice. Shot, clean, and well kept, but not to serve her in any stylish way, but rather for just the sake of being tidy. Unfortunately for her, her hair was a dark blue. By what Lee could muster of her personality, having such a drastic color would serve her with endless grief, as well as one particular area on the back of her head where a few strands couldn't be tamed and stuck out.

"She seems nice…" Lee tried to say without sounding strained.

"Yeah. Bundle of sunshine I'm sure. Better get pretty attached 'cause you'll be working for her for a while, that is until we find a better use for you. So just stick them in your torso. There's nothing there anymore anyways." " Amaterasu said. She pulled the rest of the files back into her sleeve. "Also, before you go, I'd like to take this little guy back with you." She continued, letting the little squirrel friend scamper down her arm. She took hold of him and placed him on Lee's shoulder. "It's not fair that he be depleted of life due to a noob's mess up."

"I said I was sorry." Lee apologized as he pushed the folder through his ectoplasm and watched it disappear, but the squirrel still glared at him violently from his shoulder.

"I hope you two get along," The goddess warned. "because I'm only letting him return because he agreed to let you use his body for awhile, so please don't get him killed again."

"Yes mam."

"Also, if you need any help, just think of us, and the Halo will allow you to speak to us mentally. Also, it will always be on, that way we can contact you whenever we need to."

"But what if I need to turn it off to sleep?"

"Your dead, you don't sleep."

"Can I eat?"

"No." Amaterasu growled coldly.

"Well, that's not entirely true." Carlemen chimed in. "Technically, you can grab and swallow food, but you have to concentrate really hard on the food, or it falls through your stomach. So I guess technically not, since you don't have digestive organs and what not…so yeah…just ignore me."

"And one last thing, do not let Hoshi see you. That usually makes the whole 'secret' thing go to crap. Got it?"

"Yosh! I mean yes mam!"

"Good boy."

"Hey, kid." Carlemen whispered, scuffling over to Lee and bending him down to where the goddess couldn't hear them. "Listen. I was wondering if you could do some shopping down there, ya know, help me out a bit, okay?" The angel slipped him a sheet of folded up paper under Amaterasu's nose and backed away like nothing happened. Lee unfolded the sheet and read to himself the fist couple of items.

. . .

Lee didn't feel like reading on. He just turned back to Carlemen with a disgusted face before shoving the slip into his stomach. Carlemen just winked back.

Against his moral standards, Rock Lee called the angel Carlemen a no-no name in his mind.

Amaterasu popped open her medication bottle of **Sertraline** and downed three pills. "Carlemen, stop trying to get the boy to grab you booze among, I'm sure, quite less pleasant things. We have a mission to get started."

Lee smiled, mentally trembling with the excitement of returning to both action and the living world… and a bit of wanting to leave these two screaming nut cases behind contributed. It's not that Lee didn't like the two screaming nut cases, it's just that… well… they were nut cases. And even for the optimistic and cheery Green Beast, experiencing the full mental and emotional shattering event of dieing that many souls took therapy beyond the pearly gates for, had been left to the sympathy of these two. Who – if it had forgotten to be mentioned before – were two screaming nut cases.

"Yosh! I will do my best!" He cried, hoping to spring some cheer and hope into the hearts of his new leader.

Amaterasu just shoved her Sertraline into her flowing dress sleeve. "You'd better, or I'll snap your neck."

Lee was trembling for less pleasant reason now.

"Hey, don't let the Wicked Witch of the East put you down Lee. She's just a bitch because she's a druggy." Carlemen assured, wrapping a friendly arm around him, similar to how Gai sensei used to comfort him. This forced a weak smile onto Lee's lips and the warm, fuzzy feeling of understanding that had been deprived of him since he had died. "Besides, you were a ninja right? And so baby sitting should be a piece of cake."

"Yosh!"

"That's the spirit."

"But I do have one question."

"And what would that be?"

"How do I get back to Earth?"

"Oh. Well that's an easy one. Hang onto you squirrel."

"Wait what?"

Carlemen shoved Lee through the clouds and him and Amaterasu watched him fall screaming away from Heaven. Carlemen bent down to the hole Lee's body had made through the clouds and cupped his mouth so that his voice could reach him.

"And don't forget my porn!"

* * *

Hoshi did NOT care to see the dead squirrel that her classmate was so intent on showing. She would have much rather be getting in some good target practice on the sandbag dummies, or read a book on Snow country engineering advances, or play lava monster on the monkey bars… something relatively productive and something other than staring blankly at a dead squirrel. She had a hard enough time keeping eye contact with the Academy cafeteria food for more than 20 seconds. You would think that looking at your school lunch would be an improper use of "eye contact", but not if your school lunch has eyes.

"Eww… is that blood?" Moegi whined, pulling her fisted hands to her body in disgust.

Hoshi wasn't particularly fond of the ditzy genre of young girls, but Moegi wasn't nearly as annoying as she tended to seem. In fact, Hoshi rather enjoyed her presence and her abundance of coloring crayons.

"Hey, can I poke it?" Udon asked, already choosing a stick and going for the rodent's swollen stomach.

It was a shame that a nice kid like Udon was plagued with a fountain of everlasting snot dripping from his nostril. And even though she was extremely impressed by his excessive knowledge... whenever she tried to hold a conversation with Udon, instead of intriguing topics, all she could think of was, booger booger booger booger booger…

"NOOOOOOO!!!" The fat boy shrieked, pulling the squirrel away into a protective embrace. "Don't! You're going to hurt it!"

"Jeez, chill out… it's all ready dead." Konohamaru scolded, also frustrated that he was missing a perfectly good game of lava monster taking place at the monkey bars.

After years of sharing classes with the former Hokage's grandson, Hoshi had learned that Konohamaru – like many boys their age – had their brains turned to only one channel half of the time. Holding a conversation with him was like having a conversation with a wined-up cymbal monkey, or watching old re-runs of Speed Racer episodes.

"Yeah." Udon chimed in, sounding a bit more sympathetic than the loudmouth Konohamaru. "And didn't **you** kill it?"

The fat boy started crying.

"What's with all the clamor down here?" Someone asked sternly behind them.

The five children turned to see their sensei bending over them, blocking the sun.

"Look Iruka sensei, Yomo killed a squirrel!" Konohamaru cried, proud as if he had killed it himself.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TOOOOOO~!!!" The poor boy under the tree sobbed cuddling the corps to his bosom (yes, he has a bosom). "See Iruka sensei, I didn't mean too!" He pushed the carcass into his teacher's face, who's usually sympathetic smile drained and he quietly shrieked like a little girl.

"Can we burry it? I'm sure it would like that." Moegi exclaimed.

"I-I don't think it can really like much of anything at this point Moegi…" Iruka started, not liking where this was going.

"Yeah! We can hold a funeral for it!" Konohamaru chimed in.

"Now guys…"

"Really? You would do that for it?" The sensitive squirrel killer sobbed. "You guys are the best…"

"We can hold it in the class room!"

"I don't think that's very sanitary…"

"Everyone can be there!"

"I think you are all over reacting a little bit…"

"What do you think Hoshi?" Udon asked, turning to the blank expression on her face. She turned momentarily to her sensei, the stress lines around his temples begging for her to put some logical sense into her classmates.

"…I have an old bento box that I was going to throw away anyways. You could use it as a coffin."

The little ninjas cheered and poor Iruka floated back into the school building defeated, so that he could perhaps find solitude at his desk for the remainder of the recess.

. . .

Surprisingly, everything was going to plan. In other words, everything wasn't going to hell. Iruka's students were either quiet out of respect, or out of boredom, which made the fake farewell speech he had prepared for the funeral easier to read.

"He was… very fuzzy. And…" He peered down at the sheet lying peacefully on his podium. "He loved nuts…"

A few boys in the back started snickering.

"Quiet down back there or no funeral cake!" What Iruka meant by funeral cake was actually a small bag of candy that he kept in the back of his desk for good students that he would share with his after the rodent was buried (The cake is a lie!). The children hushed up nether the less. He continued and only rarely stared at Yomo weeping like a despairing widow with a black hanky up his nose. Being the responsible adult he kept himself from thinking too hard about it, because then it was pretty disturbing.

"Anyways… uh…. He loved nuts and…" He thought for a moment, looked up at the students, then back at the paper. He knew this had to end. "And he liked piná coladas and getting caught in the rain, and we will a miss him dearly and may God rest his furry soul."

"Yay! Now let's burry the thing all ready."

"Yeah. He's starting to smell."

Iruka agreed and lifted the lid over the top of the box. "Whoops." He said lazily as he dropped it. He bet behind his podium to fish for the box lid. The children all watched in silence, then growing horror as the box moved.

"Uh Iruka sensei." Moegi squealed.

"Yes Moegi?"

"Are squirrels immortal?"

"Uh… no. That's completely impossible."

"Oh. Okay then."

"ZOMBIE SQUIRREL!!!"

And then **_everything _**went to hell.

* * *

_Some definitions of the __**bolded**__ texts that may help you understand the story better, that way; you don't have to look 'em up. In order of appearance in this chapter. :D_

_The__** Lilitu**__ are mythical storm and wind demons found in many Christen based cultures - primarily Jewish lore – that are descendents of the female demon "Lilith" (100 of which must die a day). The Lilitu are believed to visit men in their sleep causing sinful dreams and promote lustful behavior._

_**Sertraline **__is a Zoloft brand antidepressant that Amaterasu has a drug addiction to, and takes frequently in order to stay in a pleasant mood. Popping pills is a sure sign of Amaterasu becoming stressed or starting to become irritable._

_**Carbamazepine**__is a mood-stabilizing drug used primarily in the treatment of __rapid cycling bipolar disorder that Amaterasu takes daily, and without it is prone to mood swings, which is known as "rapid cycling". She is known to explode into "rage-rambling" easily when off her medication. __Carbamazepine also greatly decreases a person's alcohol tolerance (seen in chapter 1). _

_If you read any of the definitions and believe that any information is inaccurate, then please let me know. I didn't really try too hard. :P_

_P.S. I'll give a cookie to anyone who figures out who I based the woman-God off of._


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